I Live in a Madhouse-My Silent Voice

The St. John’s Chancel Choir

As a child growing up, church was not an option. However mom didn’t go overboard, she allowed me to choose either church or Sunday school. Most times I chose church because I loved the music. Our church had two choirs that sang every Sunday. The Gospel choir and the Senior choir. I loved to sit in the balcony and tap my foot to the pulsating rhythms of the gospel renditions. I had memorized every note, and would never miss a word with the soloist. However, unlike most young people I also looked forward to the Senior choir.  The repertoire of the Senior choir was a bit more sophisticated, and the director weekly challenged forty average musicians with  selections from the old masters. Every director has at least one person in the choir that they can count upon to pull a difficult selection together. In the Senior choir, this person was Miss. Hanna. Almost every Sunday, Miss. Hanna would step forward, tilt her nose slightly upward, and enthrall me with her wonderful soprano voice. I watched enchanted; her mouth formed perfect Oo’s and Ah’s as she glided up and down scales and landed precisely on pitch every time. I was sure angels in heaven must have sounded a little like Miss. Hanna. Most of the time, at the conclusion of her rendition, the congregation would applaud or shout AMEN! and she would walk stately back to her seat.

At the age of 12 I joined the Young People’s choir. Although I had taken piano lessons for several  years, I now found out through my church and school choir directors that I had a voice. This was quite a revelation to me. I was no Miss. Hanna, but I could carry a tune fairly well, and was chosen for a solo at church. I practiced, and practiced, and on the evening of my debut we went to visit another church. I stepped up to the microphone, tilted my nose slightly, and opened my mouth.  The sound that returned quivered, and the more it quivered, the more nervous I became. The sound was a whispered, quivering, warble, and I was devastated. Adults were kind, but my peers let me know how awful my attempts were. I was overweight, and extremely shy, this latest failure insured my retreat behind the piano for any future musical expression until college.

In college I majored in music, was selected for the college choir, the college church choir, and one of the greatest privileges of my young life, the college concert choir. The concert choir traveled all over the United States, and even went to Scandinavia during my matriculation. During my college career, I stood in awe of my peers who were chosen for solos or small groups. I never expected such accolades nor did I seek them. I was content and happy just to be part of the group. My senior year I was chosen for a solo. We were going to give a concert in the famed Carnegie Hall, and I was to be part of a quartet. New York was my hometown, and I was sure my mom would have everyone she knew in the audience. As fate would have it, we went to a recording session before the tour, and I missed a cue from the director. He was not one to forgive, and I was replaced before the tour. After graduation, I was now convinced that my place in music was behind the instrument or as the director of my junior high school students. Except for a very few opportunities to help the choirs I directed,  my solo voice remained silent for the next thirty years.

In the spring of 2003, my doctor discovered cancer. Fortunately, it was in the early stages, and I was expected to make a complete recovery. Like most people facing an uncertain future, I too made promises to God. I promised upon recovery, to try to use all of my gifts to the best of my ability. I joined a church, and it’s Chanel choir. The members made me feel welcome from the first rehearsal, and the choir director was truly an inspiration. I felt at home, and was quite happy to be a member of the choir. About the third week into my new endeavor the director, a wonderful person, asked me to look at a solo. I figured I might as well get this over with, and explained to her that I did not do solos. I thought that would be the end of it, but she did the unthinkable! She asked “Why“? Ok, I let her know my horrible secret.” Everytime I have tried, I mess up”. There I said it, now she knows, and that will be the end of it. Her answer was just three little words, in a very pleasant voice she smiled and said, ” Get Over It.”. Get over it! That was not was I was expecting. She can’t be serious, I thought, but just in case she was, I’d better look at that solo. In the back of my mind was the promise I had made to God, however , all of the doubts from my previous experiences flooded my mind. My true voice had been silent for over thirty years, but I had a promise to keep.

On the last Sunday in June,  2004, I came forth, tilted my nose slightly upward, stood a little in the corner, ( the director and I had a silent discussion about my placement) and began to fulfill my promise. At the conclusion of the song, the choir received a hearty applause. I realized the true meaning of the  saying ” If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it”.  I still have my childhood insecurities, but with the help of a wonderful director, and the support of the entire Chancel choir, I strive to overcome. Miss. Hanna will never know her influence upon a young girl over fifty years ago, but I hope she would be proud

It is my fondest hope that this true story will inspire someone to step out of their box. I was over fifty years old when this revelation occurred. God is no respecter of persons. Live your life to the fullest, let go, and let God. May everyone reading this be blessed.

 

If you enjoyed this posting, please take a moment to browse my other blog: The View From My Head-I Too Have Been To The Mountain Top, and Cassandra ( suitable for children) @scribe1295.wordpress.com)

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~ by scribe312 on June 5, 2012.

285 Responses to “I Live in a Madhouse-My Silent Voice”

  1. Wonderful..if i were an ENGLISH teacher you’d get an A+!

  2. I don’t know why but this made me get teary. Your writing is wonderful an intimate.

  3. Aw Kim, your response touched me, thank you so much. Don’t wait till you are old like me to discover and follow your dreams. Dream big, and go for it. I love you.

  4. I’ve heard this kind of story many times, and it always hurts…for the person speaking. I’m so glad you found your voice – both in song and on paper!

  5. Once again, your story touched my heart and made me smile. Your story has the potential to help many people who have shared similar performance experiences. It carries hope and lends the courage needed to fulfil dreams. I’ve watched you grow musically over the years, and your voice is definitely a gift. Miss Hanna would be proud!

  6. Beautiful story! Sometimes we have got to step from behind the instrument, and be the instrument itself. Indeed! Nicely written.

  7. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and your support. I am so glad you liked MY Silent Voice.

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